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My love of music is killing me.

I have been a music lover my entire life but now at age 51 I just can't listen without falling into a deep depression. My oldest son Devon inherited my love for music and took it even further. By age 25 he was a VERY talented guitar, bass player. We use to take turns playing tracks for each other just to broaden our herizons....but his gone now. I lost Devon 11-27-09 after a 6 year battle with cancer. I held his hand as he passed that night. The illness took everything but his love of music. His right cheek bone, right upper jaw bone, a rib, muscles in his abdomen and back,sight from his right eye...and finally his life....I could do nothing but watch....wishing it was me laying there going through that hell. Its been a year and a half now...his birthday will be next week. He would of been 29. Now when I listen to music I cry instead of smile. May be one day the joy will return but for now there is a hole too large to fill.

Hug your kids....Pease.
dean_fuller
mgattmch
554 posts
 
Dean your loss and subsequent pain has given us all something very important to think about. "Hug your kids……..please". How right you are, a great message, thanks!
has2be's avatar
has2be
555 posts
 
Dear Dean,

I commend your bravery for sharing your greif and loss and reaching out is a positive action for you to choose.

I could not begin to write or qualify words that would even comprehend or understand your loss. The relationship between you and your son and the loves you shared, try your very best to see those great things as your focus and remember how happy you and your son were having them. Remember the positive happy memories and the music will always keep your conection strong and those positive memories you shared are the focus you need to see far an above the tragic and difficult circumstance you have endured.

Those positives are what made him so special to you as you were to him and I firmly beleive he would wish you to think of him and yourself by celibrating the life you shared and for you to find happiness and joy in your life and music.

Godspeed Dean
azaud
156 posts
 
My God, I can't imagine the pain. Yours, not your son's. I can imagine your son's pain, and it must have been horrible. He must have sprung into the afterlife with glee!
But it's yours that I hope I'll never be able to fully comprehend; being a father myself.
Your pain and depression are surely necessary, and obviously understandable; but in the endeavor to live your life the way your son would want you to, you must be vigilant to keep the darkness from slipping into "clinical" depression. So a support group at least, OK?
Keep listening to music. He would surely want you to do that, and when you find yourself forgetting for a few moments as you get lost in your favorite passages, don't feel guilty. This is part of the process of healing too.
We'll all be together with our loved ones one day; but lets not rush things. I'm sure that as much as they look forward to seeing us, they're not in any hurry for that to happen either.
nonoise's avatar
nonoise
10,544 posts
 
As others have said, please seek professional help. The music you shared that now brings pain can be turned around but it will take time. The association is so strong that you'll need to channel it to someone who can guide you and absorb your loss so all that remains are the good and loving memories, which can only strengthen your love of music and the memory of your son. Like all paths, you have to start and the sooner the better. Presently, music is the key to your pain but even without it, the pain will persist. It's merely a trigger and has no cathartic value anymore. It can all be turned around.
You have my deepest sympathies and my thoughts go out to you this evening.
shadorne's avatar
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shadorne
7,467 posts
 
The toughest thing for a parent is to lose a child. Remember it is good to cry and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. iMHO, You don't need help you simply need to accept how you feel (perfectly normal after your loss) and embrace it rather than fight it.

I recommend this song "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton.
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