Best "New" Acoustical Treatment Science Advance

Through the years of collecting audio equipment, buying new speakers, amps, preamps, putting my faith in half-baked irrational and subjective belief systems, as well as partaking in ridiculous band-aid attempts at fixing room acoustics with over the counter room treatments, acoustical engineering design, and bass traps, I finally discovered the one tweak that fixes everything permanently and for good.

It happened to me one day while I was traveling on the byways of Scotland in a little village South of Edinburgh. I wandered upon a farmer and we started up an innocent conversation. The innocent conversation quickly expanded onto the topic of high end audio, and yes, finally of all places, onto the topic of farm animals.

He took me to his little scottish farm house where he showed me his converted barn, now a Shangri-La of HiFi audio. I couldn't believe my eyes! There they were, in the middle of all the extremely expensive HiFi equipment... Farm animals.

I exclaimed, "Why?!?"

That is when the realization dawned on me, and he subsequently explained the genius of it all. The mammalian body is one of the best acoustical treatments on this planet, and best of all, it is completely and 100% natural.

The higher frequency absorption is easily handled by the first tier of hair and skin. The second tier of flesh and bone easily accommodates the mid-bass to mid-range frequencies. The third tier, the sheer girth and heft of the different sized farm animal body shapes easily dismantles the largest wave sizes of even the largest home listening room environments. Best of all, they are 100% mobile, so you can always move a feed trough and manipulate the acoustical treatment environment to sound good for different genres of music or different speakers with anomalous Frequency Response issues.

"Why had no one thought of this idea before?!?" I cried

In truth, they had. For many thousands of years farmers and shepherds brought their cattle to market. I used to believe it was to sell their livestock, but it suddenly occurred to me, and later on it would be taught to me by my mentor, "They weren't selling cattle, they were acoustically treating the public forums for oration and musical events. Those Greeks and Egyptians were musicians first and farmers second, ABOVE ALL ELSE. Why else would they have created the many scales and modes that the Western cultures use as an intrinsic part of our musical vocabulary? Ancient cultures were the original architects of music, and consequently this brilliant idea, but only my Scottish friend still seemed to know and understand the key wisdom and secret learnings required for selecting the absolute best livestock needed to treat audio listening environments. The once common knowledge that was practiced in the open daylight, slowly became secret wisdom passed from master to acolyte in the mystery schools of these ancient cultures, to eventually all but pass from this world, and like the once mighty acropolis, fall by the wayside into decrepit waste.

He explained to me that it had been passed on through his family for generation after generation. When the English occupied Scotland, a very great grandmother in his genealogical line was about to get married when the local Lord came to the proceedings and claimed Prima Nochte. She was seeded by this Lord, who happened to be descendent from an antique line of druid warlocks, and she had a son by him. The Lord took a liking to the little lad and taught him all the secrets handed down from the Egyptians to the Greeks, through the centuries to the Druids, and finally passed down through his own fortunate blood line. This lad was the only living direct descendent of the man I had stumbled upon on that mystical country road that fateful day.

The Scotsman declared to me that he had no heir apparent to pass on his knowledge and if he did not pass it on to someone else, it would be lost forever in the annals of time. He asked me if I would be willing to learn his secret knowledge and use it to benefit all of mankind. How could I refuse such an honorable opportunity to be a spiritual channel for the perfection of music to all of mankind?

I couldn't.

That is why I am here today. Not only to sell you farm animals, but to personally pick them from my vast reservoir of secret and cryptic knowledge. These animals are hand picked at birth and personally weaned to be the best treatments you can buy on this planet.

We have several different treatment types made to accommodate all different kinds of listening environment needs, as well as treatment types to satisfy the deeply personal and/or private needs of the individual audiophile (we carry a "don't ask don't tell" anonymity policy as well as confidentiality agreement concerning special needs consultations - not available in all states and/or countries):

1) The Rabbit Refractor
2) The Rooster Resonator
3) The Helmholtz Hare
4) The Horse Trap
5) The Duck-fuser
6) The Schroeder Swine
7) The Bovine Barrier (for creating artifical acoustical barriers between temporary listening areas)
8) The De-sibilance Sheep
9) More to come as supply permits or special consultation provides...

The greatest part about these products is they are 100% recyclable. When the treatments get old and worn, they are edible and taste great too (disclaimer: depending on what you feed them, they may not always taste great. Usually they will still taste good even at their worst). They are also easily replaceable, so if you drop a speaker on one, replacement is as simple as a phone call, a credit card, and shipping time DIRECTLY to your doorstep.

E-mail or call direct, 1 (800) BAH-HHHH

*(This ad is for entertainment purposes only. Do not E-mail to actually buy one... Bahhhh!)*
You missed the one that has become the most popular audio accessory, the Hum Bug.

We can design special needs treatments. You want Hum Bugs, we makes Hum Bugs. It will cost ya though.
Jkalman wrote: "Bah Hum Bug. :)" I know. That seems to be your brand name.


Any hidden costs on the Horse Trap or does it come with all the mane parts? I ask because not everyone can pony up. What's return policy if the WAF is neigh?

Farm animals are ideal to treat barns (as you experienced), but what about treating a regular home? I don't want to be saddled with something I can't use.

Speaking of regular, farm animals are a natural when listening to "Scatman" Crothers or "Scat" Jazz singing.
I was wondering what the next break through would be--thanks for the tip.

The size of your room would determine what combination of farm animals would work best. They do the same thing in normal homes as they do in barns, that is the brilliance of it. I recommend the private consultation for the most intimate design planning and advice. ;)

Don't try this at home with just any random animals BTW. I've seen houses get torn apart by breeding animals wild in the heat of passion. It really is a science, not monkey play. This is why it is so important that for a nominal fee, I hand-pick them. :)

We learned the hard way, through research, not to use skunks, fish, bears (That guy in the "Grizzly Man" movie, was on a research assignment for our company...), elephants and badgers. Funny enough, bees and hornets work extremely well if you wear our special listening suit and mask, again, for a nominal purchasing fee.
Nah - you got it all wrong. The trick is to float your entire sound system. (The water absorbs all nasty vibs)

See this Studio

Anyone recognize the speakers?
Okay; I love it when genius is used for purely trivial purposes. Keep it coming!
Did not recognize the speaker I am sure they are english dah. I would give my left arm just to live like that in such peace and tranquilty,I could live with a bose wave cd/radio player just fine on that house boat.
And if you want to go for broke. . . buy an individually sized Acoustic Resonator for each bioformed zootechnic absorber, and hang it around your (oops I meant 'its') neck. Find Resonators too expensive? My own company -- Schmaltzenstein Audio Intrigues -- can sell you our unpatented system of multi-frequency purely enharmonic polysized bells. Made from a special alloy of purest (or almost so) Copper, Zink, and homeopathic amounts of real Silver, these knockerless bells will knock your socks off and are unwarranteed to shift every little ounce of harmful quantum-generated ultrasounds down to the most delightful of electromagnetic ranges while remaining completely Doppler and tick-free.

That is ridiculous. No one should ever confuse my scientifically proven product with that nonsensical witchcraft.
Witchcraft you say? And why do bells sit at the top of steeples of tiny hamlets where farm animals abund? Perhaps to tell the sheep the time of day? No sir, not at all, sheep know all along when it's time to eat and chew cud. Those large enharmonic bells actually intermodulate the nasty high and medium electromagnetic frequencies that plague all small pre-technology villages down to benign acoustic vibration in the most gracious of midranges. And cowbells? Only ignorant city dwellers still believe that farmers use them to locate lost steers. . . yeah right, like cows don't perfectly know how to come home to rooste! Protect the health of your valuable audio mammals, my valiant audiofools (oh darn, I meant audiophiles). with Jingless Bells (TM) from Schmaltzenstein Audio Cons (oops again, I meant Intrigues).
The size of your room would determine what combination of farm animals would work best. They do the same thing in normal homes as they do in barns


Do you throw in a bottle of Fabreze?

Absolutely not, that is part of the rustic ambience!

I swear, sometimes I can even taste the Scottish farmlands when I listen to the music. It connects the ancient past with the present moment, evoking powerful visions of ancient Egyptian women who would sit beside the Nile to use Alligator dung as birth control. The past and present are the same, the circle of life is complete.

Though, I guess, for a nominal fee I can be persuaded to include some in your "live animal" cargo freight. Unless you order goats, they tend to eat anything I put in the containers, including exploding metallic objects. I almost lost my freight account the last time that.....
I am currently working on my own low cost diy version.I'm still experimenting with placement but my initial reaction is simply "Wow,so this is what room treatment can do!".I would recommend a dedicated listing room as the waf is very low.

In some older cultures (and in some more reclusive societies and sects today) it wasn't unusual or abnormal for a man to take a sheep, more often a ewe, as his bride. This could conversely eliminate the WAF issue with your treatments. The only times I have seen the opposite result is during tupping season if a room is treated with both ewes and rams. This is why it is so essential that a potential customer not decide to DIY, and also why the customer should consider purchasing the personal consultation (if it is legal in his/her state and/or country). DIY can be dangerous!

I've seen happily married men castrated by eager rams horns and flying hooves simply because he decided to lie down with his wife for a little romantic sheepishness at the wrong time of the year. It is truly a tragic thing to see so much love turn to so much pain. Learn from those who came [sic] before you.
Jkalman, that's sage advice. In fact, It inspired me to come up with a great promo item to help you spread the word about your room treatment.

Print up a batch of black T shirts with year round calendar and tupping days highlighted in red. This hidden "code" reminds your customer to not make love on those dangerous days.

Not only could the calendar shirt become an audiophile fashion statement, it preserves your most "at risk" customer base.

During the safe days, you follow up by sending a song appropriate for the love session. I suggest as a starter that old favorite by Elvis Presley, "Are ewe lonely tonight."

As long as we're on the subject, you claim this teaming of humans and animals goes way back in time. Could that be the origin of the term "get your goat"? Perhaps this is a derivation of "get your sheep"?

One last thing. There's a rumor circulating about a guy who couldn't justify your services and went with his own "do it yourself" solution and hung tens of dozens of sheepskin condoms at strategic locations.

Personally I find that disgusting, but some people get the wool pulled over their eyes pretty easily.

These are all good ideas. Perhaps we need someone like you behind our product development and promotions team.

I'm not sure about the "get your goat," but I am privy to some information on the origins of the sayings, "monkey on your back" and "cold cocked."

BTW, you don't need sheepskin when you are married to one, this is another reason our products are so great.
Unsound, I think more likely pure SS.

We're talking sheep here, not bulls.
Oh my, 'bull in the audio shoppe' has now acquired at least three different meanings!
Albert and Guido,
Please speak for eweself.

Have a business proposition for you : develop a new line of accoustic treatments kicking these up a couple of notches with the new Cryo-treated Horse Trap et al.

We can make bundles and use them to feed the livestock with it!!

What do you think...
Bill, fight us not. . . join us instead. Besides the inpecable hard-nosed and trend-setting socio-audio-zoological science, there is seriously major $$$ to be made here!
And I am earnestly sayng all of this with my tongue firmly planted in my sheep. (oops and yuck, I really meant to say cheek!>

Sol, your idea really shines. Cryo-treated Horse traps would be the cats meow (or maybe the horses neigh). We need a way to promote this, maybe with a give away to keep customers thinking about us.

Wonder if there would be any interest in gold plated, cryo treated horse dung? This would not only be easy on the eye, it would make a great paper weight. Maybe not the best paper weight for love letters, but requests for political donations and electrical bills seems a natural.

Well I happen to have some glass jars, so we can come out with a new packaging for the " Brilliant Golden Dunggets"
Sol, searching my brain for a slogan to help sell that idea, the one that keeps popping up does not work.

"Brilliant Golden Dunggets" make your system sound like s**t.

I think it will be a hard sell. Better stay with the gold plated horse dung.
Gold covered dung is too reflective to be used on its own. It might be useful when you overtreat a room, and need to tie a few to a horse's mane and tail, etc. Those would make decent two-in-one diffuser/absorber treatments.