You missed the one that has become the most popular audio accessory, the Hum Bug.
Any hidden costs on the Horse Trap or does it come with all the mane parts? I ask because not everyone can pony up. What's return policy if the WAF is neigh?
Farm animals are ideal to treat barns (as you experienced), but what about treating a regular home? I don't want to be saddled with something I can't use.
Speaking of regular, farm animals are a natural when listening to "Scatman" Crothers or "Scat" Jazz singing.
The size of your room would determine what combination of farm animals would work best. They do the same thing in normal homes as they do in barns, that is the brilliance of it. I recommend the private consultation for the most intimate design planning and advice. ;)
Don't try this at home with just any random animals BTW. I've seen houses get torn apart by breeding animals wild in the heat of passion. It really is a science, not monkey play. This is why it is so important that for a nominal fee, I hand-pick them. :)
We learned the hard way, through research, not to use skunks, fish, bears (That guy in the "Grizzly Man" movie, was on a research assignment for our company...), elephants and badgers. Funny enough, bees and hornets work extremely well if you wear our special listening suit and mask, again, for a nominal purchasing fee.
And if you want to go for broke. . . buy an individually sized Acoustic Resonator for each bioformed zootechnic absorber, and hang it around your (oops I meant 'its') neck. Find Resonators too expensive? My own company -- Schmaltzenstein Audio Intrigues -- can sell you our unpatented system of multi-frequency purely enharmonic polysized bells. Made from a special alloy of purest (or almost so) Copper, Zink, and homeopathic amounts of real Silver, these knockerless bells will knock your socks off and are unwarranteed to shift every little ounce of harmful quantum-generated ultrasounds down to the most delightful of electromagnetic ranges while remaining completely Doppler and tick-free.
Witchcraft you say? And why do bells sit at the top of steeples of tiny hamlets where farm animals abund? Perhaps to tell the sheep the time of day? No sir, not at all, sheep know all along when it's time to eat and chew cud. Those large enharmonic bells actually intermodulate the nasty high and medium electromagnetic frequencies that plague all small pre-technology villages down to benign acoustic vibration in the most gracious of midranges. And cowbells? Only ignorant city dwellers still believe that farmers use them to locate lost steers. . . yeah right, like cows don't perfectly know how to come home to rooste! Protect the health of your valuable audio mammals, my valiant audiofools (oh darn, I meant audiophiles). with Jingless Bells (TM) from Schmaltzenstein Audio Cons (oops again, I meant Intrigues).
Absolutely not, that is part of the rustic ambience!
I swear, sometimes I can even taste the Scottish farmlands when I listen to the music. It connects the ancient past with the present moment, evoking powerful visions of ancient Egyptian women who would sit beside the Nile to use Alligator dung as birth control. The past and present are the same, the circle of life is complete.
Though, I guess, for a nominal fee I can be persuaded to include some in your "live animal" cargo freight. Unless you order goats, they tend to eat anything I put in the containers, including exploding metallic objects. I almost lost my freight account the last time that.....
In some older cultures (and in some more reclusive societies and sects today) it wasn't unusual or abnormal for a man to take a sheep, more often a ewe, as his bride. This could conversely eliminate the WAF issue with your treatments. The only times I have seen the opposite result is during tupping season if a room is treated with both ewes and rams. This is why it is so essential that a potential customer not decide to DIY, and also why the customer should consider purchasing the personal consultation (if it is legal in his/her state and/or country). DIY can be dangerous!
I've seen happily married men castrated by eager rams horns and flying hooves simply because he decided to lie down with his wife for a little romantic sheepishness at the wrong time of the year. It is truly a tragic thing to see so much love turn to so much pain. Learn from those who came [sic] before you.
Jkalman, that's sage advice. In fact, It inspired me to come up with a great promo item to help you spread the word about your room treatment.
Print up a batch of black T shirts with year round calendar and tupping days highlighted in red. This hidden "code" reminds your customer to not make love on those dangerous days.
Not only could the calendar shirt become an audiophile fashion statement, it preserves your most "at risk" customer base.
During the safe days, you follow up by sending a song appropriate for the love session. I suggest as a starter that old favorite by Elvis Presley, "Are ewe lonely tonight."
As long as we're on the subject, you claim this teaming of humans and animals goes way back in time. Could that be the origin of the term "get your goat"? Perhaps this is a derivation of "get your sheep"?
One last thing. There's a rumor circulating about a guy who couldn't justify your services and went with his own "do it yourself" solution and hung tens of dozens of sheepskin condoms at strategic locations.
Personally I find that disgusting, but some people get the wool pulled over their eyes pretty easily.
These are all good ideas. Perhaps we need someone like you behind our product development and promotions team.
I'm not sure about the "get your goat," but I am privy to some information on the origins of the sayings, "monkey on your back" and "cold cocked."
BTW, you don't need sheepskin when you are married to one, this is another reason our products are so great.
Sol, your idea really shines. Cryo-treated Horse traps would be the cats meow (or maybe the horses neigh). We need a way to promote this, maybe with a give away to keep customers thinking about us.
Wonder if there would be any interest in gold plated, cryo treated horse dung? This would not only be easy on the eye, it would make a great paper weight. Maybe not the best paper weight for love letters, but requests for political donations and electrical bills seems a natural.