i'm looking for something that may not exist

sam here & i'm looking for a small portable device like a small mp3 player that when you turn it on it makes all your digital audio sound like the finest first press vintage vinyl? has to be very portable & fit in your pocket with no cables to plugin to your phone or dac player.you simply turn it on & all your digital audio sounds like pure analog warm vinyl without the clicks,pops,scratches,surface noise,tracking errors,ect.& the volume control could be modified to act as a tone knob only unlike a simple bass, mid, treble, by adjusting the volume it would be like swapping out the phono cartridge to get that perfect sound every time.plus i don't want blue tooth so it has to work on the earths natural electromagnetic frequencies kind of like natures wifi? if this exist can someone let me know where i can buy one because i love the sound of vintage vinyl i just want the convenience of digital audio thanks guitar sam
sam here & after some more testing i made an improvement on the sound here is the new audio sample with the device turned on comments please


The capacity of Humans for self-delusion is apparently unlimited - Mr.Spock


You can’t go wrong with Mr. Spock

All the best.

Using the earth's magnetic frequencies as wireless?? What the devil does that even mean?
Whaddya mean? That's how I get to work every day. I save a ton on gas.
Happy New Year & Decade, y'all....*G*^5's*....

(Since absolutely nobody seems to be taking this thread seriously...)

I hear there's a new player that plugs into your cortex via a plug installed at the base of your skull.  The IAR (Implied Audio Resolution *Patent Pending*) is Unbelievable. The optional VR/AR plug-in will blow your mind...literally...

However...(and you know, there always is One..)....

If you don't put your bill on AutoPay....(....AND....Don't complain about the $ involved...Oh, No....Don't!...seriously.....)

You may find yourself surrounded by people you don't know....

Doing 'Something' you've Never done before.....

Somewhere you've Never been...and have no clue as to where you are...

...and No idea as to how you've gotten there....or, how to escape...

*G*  This is Precisely WHY you really ought to read the fine print on those contracts that you ignore, and just *click* on....

BTW....The CTC (Contract Termination Clause) usually requires you to surrender all of your major organs and allow your head to be used for the pending 'head transplant experiments' (no guarantee of success, so...*shrug*)....

So...If you've ever had the desire or fantasy of waking up virtually *ah* 'Elsewhere'.....in the pursuit of 'Audio Nirvana"....?!

I'll send you the contract.

You can sign it digitally.

(No...you can't 'back out'...nor elude our....'agents'...)

They Will find you.

It won't be pretty.

*nasty, evil laughter*

Welcome to the NueDecade. ;)

*L*  ...and how paranoid can you be?

So sorry....That's not enough. ;)