This hobby is for hedonists, not scientists

What's baked in to us is survival. It's how we got through various ice ages and other mega disasters. We learned to be busy - very busy - and aware of the slightest details of our existence. Our so called "hobbies" and a myriad of other obsessions are just the "habits of highly successful survivors."

....imho, I don't think 'bagelphones' will ever be a thing.....
Think back to the 'Princess Leia cinnamon roll hairdo' tropes....
Does one enhance the 'seal' with the cream cheese?

Since the 'proper bagel is boiled in its' creation, is that the time one seeks to fit them to one's port and starboard non-exponential 'horns'?

Sounds painful....
Perhaps fuzzy covers that refer back to the fuzzy covers on toilet seat lids and the tush grommets, the sort of thing the spouse succumbs to at some point...

Perhaps a skinning with wet-suit neoprene.....or leather....(pant, pant)...

Bondage headphones: You Will Submit and Enjoy.

Otherwise, The Whip.

I'm a hedonist in the Epicurean philosophical sense of  the word. That might disqualify me from this hobby unless I keep it cheap and simple. 

Most everyone starts out cheap and simple... to be continued.