My wife of eight years (and during the time that we lived together) and I discussed every expenditure: motorcycle, car, bicycle, boat, stereo gear, horse, dog, cat, appliance, furniture, piano, drum set, ski/boot/binding, tent, jewelry (mostly watches and investment silver and turquoise), grocery list.... well, almost everything, without somehow arriving at an agreement. Turned out we each had an area of expertise, and we each brought something to the table. We got together over common interests, and engaged in mutual activities (as much as possible and practical). Our dates were just as likely to be bar hopping on Denver's South Broadway music scene, Red Rocks, club size concerts, museums, theater (we both were connected with amateur theater), antiquing, art & craft shopping at festivals and markets, walking with Meridog The Airedale, bicycling, skiing, hiking or backpacking. Often we spent the evening quietly reading in the same room. We, sometimes not-- but usually, liked the same music, movies, books, friends. I drove the ski boat--I'm not a water baby like she was. Joyfully and eagerly we shared discoveries. I knew about her work life, and she knew about mine. We both went shopping together for the Kenwood KD 550, the Dokoder, various amps, and speakers (none of which I have parted with)... we each brought an Lp and a tape for auditioning. We agreed on the Fiat Spyder, and the old IH Scout, they were ours, not his and hers. We both utilized our stereo gear (without fear and in no need of supervision), we even watched the same TV. We made decisions together, as partners. I miss her. God, what I wouldn't give for another dinner at Mama Elania's (the avocado soup starter!...) with our group of friends. Or Jesse Winchester and the newspaper on SUNDAY MORNINGS!!!!!
My current partner (who I first met 56 years ago at 14) and I have separate domiciles (mostly through individual histories/adventures), and income and bank accounts, but we still talk about what we want, need, and think. I wouldn't dream of a major purchase, or life decision I hadn't talked through with her (we happen to be having a couple going now: one on if I want to leave my farm and end my earth time back in the west, the other about what she wants to do with her mother's house). We value the other's opinion, maybe because we don't OFFER them, but we ASK for them. We are, in short, friends and equals as well as lovers. Do people here ask forum members to make decisions on a couple's bank balance? Is it a majority vote they seek? Do they need pals to dare, maybe join in on the stunt, prank, crime, confidence? Or, I wonder if the "better half, kitchen pass(?)" stories I read here are actually "There I was, square in the jaws of death!" war stories as far from reality as time and space allow. Maybe these are unhappy arranged marriages? Did a marriage across species take place :0 ? Maybe you wake up in the morning wondering how in the blazes one gets there? I find this carping about life partners more distressing than the A-Gon flaming and the pissing contests (which also seem to go on endlessly). Could it be that adults can't set limits on themselves? Are people putting their marriage partner (or readers of a thread) in the role of little devil/angel on the shoulder, or as parent, or conscience? Do people see their life partners as an obstacle to be overcome and not collaborators? Separate but equal--- LOL? Have the things that have been decided without consultation created a gulf or rift, envy? Seriously, these posts,-- the should I involve my spouse, are the ones I find truly disheartening. Is there really such a thing as a once in a lifetime deal on audio gear (maybe one of a kind... but even that deserves familial discussion)? The same things come around on the market again, again and again. I don't understand what a person could mean if they say, "it's my money" and that person and another live under a marriage contract (if you can't keep a promise don't make a promise, my Dad, circa 1963). Is Hell never escaping junior high-school, or conquering desire, always demanding immediate gratification? Couldn't a person and a spouse budget together for future upgrades? Make a plan? Or is this all bar talk, squash court talk, water cooler talk that I can't possibly understand because I missed the lecture and didn't get the notes (is it just how people are? OMG)?
I apologize if I offended. I am undecided about posting this, but I want to (recent memorable date for me has me slightly off my pins). I just do not understand adversarial, unequal, or unhappy relationships that continue in perpetuity... or the unwillingness to ask for permission, or agreement, or engaging in subterfuge as alternative. maybe I'm more Epicurean than Stoic.
