About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

Wbdillon,
Thanks for that wonderful rhapsody of your life and times so far with Pat. What a treasury of great experiences.

He has tried to explain Paul Frumkin but that hasn’t worked.

I'm not sure Pat should be held accountable for this. Many of us have the same problem. (Sorry Paul, that was just too good an opening!)

I have never seen Pat blow smoke. I have seen him blow flame a few times, but never smoke.

That sums up the Patrick I know admirably.

The other night I watched 'Bridge on the River Kwai' for the first time in ages. Quite a disturbing film in a number of ways. I mention it here only because William Holden's character immediately brought Patrick to my mind. The package might be a bit rough but the contents are pure: an unshakeable core of common sense, earthy honesty and vital humanity.

Today has been a tough day for old Lugnut. I've felt I'm breaking down a little bit, crying a lot. WbDillon's (Bill to me) post tore me up and it's hard to explain. Bill and I go back to fourth grade. Bill has been with me in my fight against lymphoma and now stomach cancer. We've done so much together through the years that I can't even recall the highlights anymore. The highlights just don't seem to matter much. What does matter is the time we spent together. What flashes before my minds eye when I think of Bill is him rowing and me fishing. When he said I was lucky, that is an understatement. Fishing could suck for days but when I'd show up they would be turned onto whatever I happened to have tied on. When I would lift my rod too soon and pull the fly out of a trout's mouth Bill would tell me I might have to lose my polaroid glasses. He'd tell me where he saw a huge rise the day before and cheer me on if I dropped a fly in that spot taken by old grandma. The guy would row upstream so I could fetch a fly out of a bush. He is a great mentor and a dear friend.

The situation I'm in now is just so umpredictable. I felt okay for a couple of days after chemo but then I crashed hard. Slept most of the time and have been pretty depressed too. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror any longer. I don't look sick anymore. I look like someone that's going to die. Something about my eyes, I guess. I've come to realize that this process is bringing a lot of pain to people that really care about me and I hate it. I'm not perfect but I most certainly don't like to hurt anyone. I look at my wife, friends and family and know that their hearts are just being ripped out of their chests from this and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I read about me and feel that I'm now in the past tense. That hurts. So, in a few ways I'm weakening. I know I don't need to ask but cut me some slack. Okay?

A good friend from Lincoln, Nebraska, Mickey, called today and he and Steve Smith are coming out soon. These are the guys that came late winter/early spring and rebuilt my brick planters. Hopefully, we'll be able to spend time together listening to music and talking about days gone by. Mick and Steve want to see me while there is something left to see. Mick says it's okay if I can just give them an hour a day. I didn't realize that love does, in fact, hurt so much. I'm loved and it hurts those that love me for what I'm going through and it hurts me that they are having to edure this.

Doug, you and Paul occupy a special place in my heart. I enjoy you because you are comfortable in your skins just as I am in mine. Albert, you've given me more miles of smiles than I'm entitled to. Larry, your faithful calls, caring way and gentle demeanor are special to me. Nate, there's never been anyone at this site who's moniker is further from the real person. You're a sweetheart. Howard, maybe I can send a photo if I can only get enough energy! J.D., there is a bond that only you and I share.

How does one explain Paul? A man that is unselfish, caring, compassionate and gentle. Why would someone I didn't know start this thread? Maybe it's because he's experienced his own personal pain and just hates it that others hurt as well. I prefer to think of it a little differently. I believe that God uses us to his benefit whenever possible. I believe that has been Paul's role in all of this.

Again, cut me some slack. This post has been an especially hard one for me to make and it probably sounds like I'm saying goodbye. I don't think I am but I just hate to leave things unsaid and undone. You just never know. I do dream of making it to the Rocky Mtn. Audio Fest and spending a little time with Frank.

Lance is doing pretty good considering his team is not helping him that much. Keep it up!!

Pat, I haven't kept up with this thread for about a month due to my computer going on the fritz. The same thing also delayed my sending you the Coltrane disks, about which I feel like a turd after having caught myself up to date here. They are en route and should arrive this week, with a letter enclosed that I'm afraid may in spots sound a bit out of date now vis-a-vis your situation. Be that as it may, you are forewarned: for better or worse, the package is a little bigger than you might expect...

Still, I do so much hope that you will be in the mood sometimes to enjoy the music - when you're not watching the Tour, that is. I didn't make the connection before (and to think that this is Lance's final Tour), but now each day when I watch him ride, you'll be in my mind. I do not post to Audiogon anymore and so haven't been logging on to the Forums since getting my 'pooter scene straightened out week before last, but I promise to keep an eye on this space. Thanks again for everything you've written so far, it has been a gift.

Pat,
Thank you, as always, for your honesty. In spite of the physical death you see, your words carry more life in them than ever before. Truly, I don't even know you, but I can feel you all around. You bring out the best in everyone here.
Love,
Howard

Hi Pat,

This is my first post in this thread even though I have been lurking here since Paul started it. Why am I posting? The reason is because you stated, “I just hate to leave things unsaid and undone.” I am the same way and felt moved to write today.

Your journey documented here has shown me your zeal for life, family and friends. It also shows the compassion strangers can have for each other in a way that gives mutual strength to each party. Since this thread began, I have had to endure the passing of my Uncle, who I was very close with because he taught me how to play and win at chess and Jazz music at a very early age, and my father. During both situations when I hit the bottom of my perceived strength, I found your stories and words of advice tucked into my brain. They acted as a friendly security blanket to hold onto providing a calming affect with these loses I struggled through.

Also, during this time my best friend had kidney failure and has had to go on dialysis. In the beginning he did not handle the situation well but something inside of him clicked and he became brave and upbeat. His wife said I was a key player in this turnaround because I was always happy to be with him and encouraging him to keep on keeping on. I was able to provide a great mental attitude when I visited him because of what was shared here by you and others. My friend was told about this friend named “Pat or Lugnut” and the journey he is on. Pat even though we haven’t been introduced you entered part of my life. This means the other thing you posted, “I believe that God uses us to his benefit whenever possible”, came true for family, my friends and me.

The thread and posts made me laugh, cry, get angry at what was happening to you, get educated on all sorts of things and find a new mentor. Thank you Pat and the rest of audiogoners for sharing your thoughts and memories.

Pat, I recall many many posts ago you had asked if someone could capture all of these posts and send them to Barb in booklet form. My wife is in printing and we both want to volunteer to do this if no one else has stepped forward. Let me know my friend.

Go Lance go, but most importantly go Pat go!

Peace, blessing and warmest regards,
Lou