About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

Holy shit Bin, that had almost too much meaning for me. I hope you continue to post on all kinds of topics. Thank you for pointing out how important love is to those left alone in the end.

I think we need to remember where Barb is on this. When I hugged Pat good by at RMAF as we were all parting for the airport I caught a glimpse of Barbs face. She read me and I read her and both of us had to turn away.

Pat has an angel looking over him but I fear this angel will have the biggest broken heart on earth when Pat passes before her. Perhaps her pain will be worse except for the knowledge of how much her husband loves and worships her.

I really wish I could do something worthwhile.

Faithful friends,

I just woke up from my best sleep time of the day. It's 10 pm and I laid down about 6 or so to nod off. With the sun setting as early as it does now I don't have a clue about what time of day it is when I awake except if the tv is still on. If there aren't infomercials running I know it's before 2 am. This is just one way I measure my day.

I saw the light was still on in the computer room so I came in here to check my mail and, of course, Audiogon. This is also where I find two of the three phones in the house. Barb will shut the ringer off on one phone and lower the ringer volume of the other two and put them in here. She's trying to protect me as best she can but this is also why I missed Albert's call this evening. I feel I can always nod off into another stupor easily enough but she feels that I need my rest. I can't stop her nor would I ask that of her. The poor woman is at a loss trying to help me in some way.

Nate has first hand experience talking with me with some narcotics in my system today. It's a struggle to speak and follow a conversation sometimes. I can only guess what it's like on the other end of the phone. LOL. Maybe this is payback Nate for springing every joke my way in a normal conversation. Now, it's your turn to follow what the hell I'm saying. Har har.

Bin, I'm with Albert in that you need to post more. Great stories that say a lot. I've received many other stories shared privately through email from other audiophooles too. I think these folks might be a little self conscious if they posted this stuff here for all to see. The prevailing veiw in the ol' USA is that certain things aren't manly. Hogwash. Being what we are in this thread together may be the most manly of things we can do. Having depth to our emotions and expressing them openly as we do here dispells the many urban legends of how simple and shallow men are. Of course I see strength in a broadsword and the arm that weilds it. I also see the depth of that strength in a tear shed, or a gentle, helping hand through softly spoken words of endearment. I'm proud to be part of this particular group of men.

Albert, when this thread begun I knew that if I started to post that I could not stop. That wouldn't be fair. All along I've only wanted you guys to take more away from this experience than it takes from you. I just didn't realize then how big a recipient I would be in turn. You understand the impact this is having on my wife and I can tell it's breaking your heart. This very thing is the hardest of all for me to deal with but I'm getting there. It just is. Nothing more, nothing less. I know you desparately want to do something to help me. You already have. We could talk audio since you've helped me numerous times without knowing it through these forums. We could talk about good times together. Phone calls. Tears. The only thing that matters at this time is what's in your heart and you've allowed me to look right into it. Keep calling.

We visited with the in home Hospice foks today. I have no need to begin this sooner than it's necessary. This nurse commented on how easy she thinks I'll be to work with. I wanted to tell her to give me her albums as a gesture of appreciation. Works for me.

Forgive me in advance for some of the stuff I may post later. I figure you need to know what this is like. At this time eating and drinking just about don't happen. I just don't have the room for anything to be in there. Good for me, I'm not hungry or thirsty beyond what I can consume. For the record, I had three or four crackers this morning and maybe a half glass of water total for the day. Later, it all came back up. Hell, this would be a big deal under more normal circumstances but for some reason the body deals with this during disease. I don't even think I'm dehydrated. Weird. I guess the body consumes itself.

Art, you've nailed it mostly. The things that are important in life are exactly what you list. The courage and grace thing is wrong though.

Gary, several local professionals are meeting to discuss the creation of a paliative care team here. I had encouraged my doctor to be a part of something like this and to my surprise it's already begun. Too late for me but I've got some inside help from afar if I need it.

Later guys.

Thanks for your reply to my mail Pat, maybe you are right about private posting, I am not shy or afraid of emotions, I just fear how in type words cant be conveyed as easy and I would be pretty vulnerable to criticism (and laughing at my spelling) thank god you can read typo!

Pat, please don't apologize in advance or at any time for anything you feel like posting. Fun talk about audio, music and the like are important relief, but don't try to protect us from heavy reality of what you are going through. You deserve so much more from us. Share the weight of your struggle, and don't feel a brave face is necessary. Your bravery has already been established beyond question. You deserve for your friends, as they are able, to share the fullness of this lonely journey with you.

This is my first post to this thread, but have been reading and following since it began. Even though I have never met any of you, your posts have truly touched me. I have read and cried several times. Sometimes out of sadness for Pats situation and bravery, and other times for the compassion and love that is shown by others.

Pat, as you have been going thru your treatments, with all of it's ups and downs, you have been inspiration to me. You are walking dignity.

One of my best friends (Joe) is currently walking the same road you are traveling. His treatments ended about 3 weeks ago and he is currently confined to a hospital bed in his home. His mind is still very sharp and his attitude is very good. I have been fortunate to be able to help him carry out some last minute details that he realizes he wished he had taken care of when he was able. Small things, like sending flowers to his wife for him (yes, a few others are blessed with angels too)and a few small repairs to the house. It is by freely giving to others that we receive our greatest gifts.

Joe has always been a believer in acceptance of things he cannot change. So he isn't fighting the inevitable and gains some peace of mind from this. I go over and sit and visit with him daily until he runs me off. But we have had some of our most memorable visits these past few weeks and months. It's a shame it sometimes takes stuff like this for us to get real in our friendships. I have no qualms about telling my friends and family that I love them. A few friends have kind of looked at me funny at first, but they grow to learn what I mean by it and they now return it when told. I think you know what I mean when I say that.

So, even though we personally don't know each other, I can honestly tell you that I love ya and I want to say thank you for sharing some lifes journey with me and others. I have learned alot.

Steve