Processor hunt....does this animal exist??

OK, I’m having a really hard time finding the processor I want. All I want is;

1. At least one 5.1 analog input, two would be better
2. Only needs to do 5.1 DD/DTS as I have no desire to go to 6.1 or 7.1, 5.2 would be a plus though…
3. Solid analog section, none of this converting my analog to digital and back again
4. Would like DPL II but could do without
5. Prefer single ended and balanced outputs with at least one balanced input
6. Discreet remote codes for power…….
7. DC triggers/phast connectivity
8. Upgradeable power cord
9. No video on the unit, they all look cheesy to me, but I could defeat this if need be
10. OK, I’d like it in black, but would buy whatever color it comes in
11. Can’t be bright or harsh… spent too much time and funds to get rid of that sound, don’t want it back… (sorry, for me this rules out Bryston, Aragon, and I’m still not real impressed with Lexicon, though they’ve come a long way)

What I don’t need;
1. Video switching…all video goes straight to the TV, and if need be I’d use an external DVI switcher
2. WAF (she lets me buy any stereo gear I can afford!!!)

The rest of the system is an active Linn 51 with an Esoteric DV-50s, but will be progressing to a Revel (Salons/Voice/Studios) with likely Proceed HPA’s until I go to ML 436’s…..

Does someone make this for less than the cost of my house???? Bueller??