You're not a true audiophile unless...

Goodness, this ought to be so simple.

A bibliophile is one having a disciplined appreciation of literature

An oenophile is one having a disciplined appreciation of wines

So an audiophile is one having a disciplined appreciation of musical recordings

One who can converse regularly in audio forums without embarrassing themselves (too badly)

The label "audiophile" can be a badge of honor or invoke grimaces and/or mockery depending on whether interactions with others are complimentary, helpful, or condescending. When opportunity arrises, and you enthusiastically whip out your smart phone or tablet, display photos of your audio system, vacation high points, pets, and grandkids (in that order), you just might be one of "those audiophiles."

The term "audiophile" implies a degree of elevated knowledge and/or status related to the reproduction of music at home compared to the "average" music listener.  If everybody had exceptional music systems and could do a deep dive into high performance audio, we would not be referred to as "audiophiles", we'd just be called "normal."

General prerequisites for being an "audiophile" would include a highly sensitive "antenna" to pick up musical nuances often overlooked by "others", low(er) tolerance for errors and omissions in musical reproduction, an excellent command of vocabulary related to musical reproduction and equipment, and the ability to clearly communicate those observations and experiences with others -- including "non-audiophiles."  While owning expensive gear will certainly accelerate one's "audiophile qualification status" it is no guarantee that status will be sustained if the other qualifications listed above are not satisfied.

I will approach this with a serious comment despite the OP wanting a humorous thread. An Audiophile has a stronger connotation then just audio equipment and music. Having an open mind to what is possible and avoiding negativity is imperative in having an Audiophile mindset. 

to me ...  the  music from my HiFi, be it ever so humble, makes a my place feel more like a home.   I love the music and the feeling of being at home.

I've also learned to take as good care of my hearing as much as possible.    I put down what ever I'm happen to be carrying and cover my ears with my hands when jets and helicopters buzz over my place.

Ron