WOW!
I’m overwhelmed by the loving people here and your generosity. As I read through the above posts plus the many emails I discovered two things. First I’m not alone and it may not be as painful as I’ve built it up to be. The biggest thing I found is I didn’t actually understand what I am doing, and how much I have wrapped up in my system. I was at my shrinkchologist today and discussed money and my stereo. I found that within my mind, this is the final piece of my life to give up. Let me explain, not for your sympathy, but because I need to share.
When I had my heart attack eight years ago and lost all ability to enjoy the physical life I had created, I found my stereo was still an escape for me. I had always used “extreme” or very “on the edge” sports were my greatest escape from the real world. Skiing, competitive sailing, white water kayaking, climbing, etc. allowed me to think of only the event, the rest of my thoughts were quite. Music is the ONLY place I have found where this experience still happens, so the importance I’ve placed on my system may be well over what is logical. As I built the system, and shared my experiences here, I never considered the fact that I would face today.
What I mean is I was never given any chance of living over five years. My wife and I based all our decisions on this prognosis, and in that I was still earning some income up to two years ago, we never expected to be broke. Either I would die and my family would have my life insurance, or I would get a transplant and I could work again. I never considered this, I would stay alive, but be too sick to earn money, and not sick enough to get a new heart. Well here I sit; the last piece of my life must be sold. At least that’s how my mind sees it. We have sold everything of worth and borrowed up to the value of our house. Our expenses continued to grow with the added debt, but it was ok, I was going to be dead long before we had to face the consequences of our earlier decisions.
Now the only way to keep our youngest in his last two years of high school is to sell my baby. We again were forced to make a decision to move or stay these final two years. Given that our youngest is severely disabled with cerebral palsy, we felt the emotional impact on him would be too deep.
After posting this thread, I finally understood what I was doing. I became very sad when it hit me. Then as I read the responses above I figured it out; how lucky I am to have the friends I have here. The support is incredible. The empathy and caring is humbling and quite frankly overwhelming. The thoughts shared from sell everything, to a piece at a time are thoughtful and demonstrate a great empathetic understanding of what I feel. Add to that the incredibly selfless offers made to me, and I am indeed in awe.
Thank you, thank you, and thank you. The offers and advice have encouraged me that this new chapter may not be my goal, but it can indeed be enjoyable.
As much as I hate being in this position, I see hope. As recently as three weeks ago I was trying to figure out how to upgrade my pre-amp to the next level. My system has been basically the same for three years, and the recent change of pre-amp and subsequent testing of the Callisto showed me a nirvana I could live in for the remainder of my life. Then a few (new) issues arose in our life, (unexpected co-pay on my last hospital stay) have forced a change in life.
DAMN, I really feel screwed. Again I can not express properly how your concern and support is excepted and needed.
As I discussed with my shrink, this is really the last piece of a life long past. I can not thank you all enough for all the love and support as I advance.
As to how I’ll proceed, I’m not fully clear. I think a piece at a time combined with the generous offers will help me get to where I’m going. I also must say, there is a sense of relief knowing we can financially exist for another year.
Thank you again. I am truly blessed!
Jade (J.D.)
