The Blues : A Primer


1. Begin the Blues with: "Woke up this mornin'."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. Blues is not about choices. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. Ain't no way out".

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Porsches, Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Preferred transportation : Greyhound bus [the long silver dog], down that lonesome highway, or a southbound train [preferably the Midnight Special]. Commercial aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools do not qaulify. "Walkin'" plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does "Fixin' to die".

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't "Fixin' to die" yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is only clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City and New Orleans are the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in no place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with a pot belly ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiin' is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in no office or no shopping mall. The lighting be wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Columbia, Cornell, Smith or Vassar. d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, un'less'n you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you done slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' done give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast e. Diet Coke

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis doubles match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Momma c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling e. Caledonia

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie e. Leroy

18. If you got a name like Michelle, Brian, Amber, Nigel, Jennifer, Kevin, Tiffany, Nunzio, Lawton, Brooke, Craig, Brittany, Clifford, Heather, Geoffrey, Janelle or Irving, you can't sing no Blues. No matter how many folks you done shot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

20. No matter how tragic your life is, if you own a cell phone, laptop or have wireless broadband Internet access, you cannot sing the Blues.
LMAO...a couple of those songs are on k-tels superblews, i play on muh RONCO pocket-turntable, while lookin in the eye of the statue of my lover ... a cha cha chiahead

wanted ta git the ginsu out and end it all...but a found this thread instead.
anyone know where i can find a schematic for a veg-o-matic?
Very hilarious Kana813!

Also you are only allowed to play "box pattern" riffs in E or G. Your guitar needs to have half the paint worn off, and must not have any of the string excess trimmed off. You must wedge your cigarette into the space under the strings, above the nut, while your are singing the blues, or have it loosely dangling from your lower lip.

Blues can only be played on street corners, or very small night club venues. Stadiums and huge auditoriums do not qualify. Blues should preferably be played while sitting down with the guitar in your lap, because any righteous blues man is too tired to be standin' up all dat time.

I'll leave some room for others to add their ideas.

Great thread!
Kana...this is why Audiogon is the coolest site on the web...this is the funniest thing I have read in a long,long,time...I was in a "Blue" mood this just made my day...brilliant stuff...I also printed out a zillion copies...please dont sue me....

Blues breakfast after a night of "gettin peppered"

Colt 45
grits w/red gravy(pork fat&coffee)
pickled pigs feet
more 45
chicken wangs
still more 45
burnt texas toast
lightin hopkins on the TT
Twl & Phasecorrect- Glad you enjoyed it.
Enjoyed reading all your posts this past year.
Just got some great newsthat John Mayall will be on Maui next month.

Mele Kalikimaka.
This was posted last year by someone who attributed it to a circulating email from someone else. It doesnt seem as funny to me now as it did then.
Kana, I don't know about #15. Death by liposuction could work:

I woke up a scream'n
Was gettin the fat sucked out of me
My wife slept with the doctor
Who turned off the damn IV

I know I'm a dyin
And I'll fit into the coffin now
There's no use a lie'n
That bitch wants the last brown cow

It could happen. ;-)
This has come around before, was funnier the first time, but was worth a few chuckles again.

Ozfly, you are TWISTED, man! Oh, and yes it could happen...