I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not fair, and what a difficult thing to not only outlive your own son, but to watch him suffer for so long. I lost my dad to cancer and spent his last month with him, and also held his hand upon his last breath. It was mercifully brief, but the suffering left a scar in the deepest parts of me. That was over three years ago. I can tell you based on my own experience that the pain does not go away, but it does get gradually better over time. Life somehow goes back to some different version of "normal" that includes that hole you so rightfully observe as being too large to fill. It's wonderful that you've shared this so openly with the community and I'm touched by your post as well as all the kind and caring responses thus far. I just wanted to add one more cyber-hug to the group and remind you to treasure the memories you have of your son that will never be lost, and to keep sharing the memories and the feelings with others as you have here...counselor, friend, family, or strangers... and don't worry about the music...it will come to you or not. I suspect it eventually will, though it may never be quite the same. Keep your strength.
My love of music is killing me.
I have been a music lover my entire life but now at age 51 I just can't listen without falling into a deep depression. My oldest son Devon inherited my love for music and took it even further. By age 25 he was a VERY talented guitar, bass player. We use to take turns playing tracks for each other just to broaden our herizons....but his gone now. I lost Devon 11-27-09 after a 6 year battle with cancer. I held his hand as he passed that night. The illness took everything but his love of music. His right cheek bone, right upper jaw bone, a rib, muscles in his abdomen and back,sight from his right eye...and finally his life....I could do nothing but watch....wishing it was me laying there going through that hell. Its been a year and a half now...his birthday will be next week. He would of been 29. Now when I listen to music I cry instead of smile. May be one day the joy will return but for now there is a hole too large to fill.
Hug your kids....Pease.
Hug your kids....Pease.