I wanna hear some "audio" jokes...and

real life experiences or blunders. Don't be shy, I promise I'll laugh!
Strictly speaking, this is not an "audio' joke but I have altered it to make it so.

What's the difference between a catfish and an audio snob?
One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a catfish!
bring me a bucket of decibels would ya?
Oh man, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
Ok, more a musician joke, fellow keyboard players will be able to relate best:

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Make him read sheet music.

What do you call a guitar player without a wife or girlfriend?

What do you say to a guitar player in a three piece suit?
"Would the defendant please rise?"
...how do you make a rock guitar player to stop playing?
--Give him a sheet music!
...what is the difference between viola and violin?
--Burns longer.

for more audio jokes please follow the cable posts, posts about tweaks and how other different junk changes the sound here on audiogon.
How many audio snobs does it take to bias a set of 6922's?
None. They're solid state guys - TUBES? we don't need no steenkin' tubes.
Tim, i can relate to your comments about guitar players and volume. Having done professional sound reinforcement, the only guys that i had to battle with about on-stage volume levels were the lead guitar players. If you told them that they were too loud or over-powering the rest of the band, you could almost see an evil grin sneak onto their face. They would then turn around and "fake" turning down the gain on their amp. I guess that they thought i was deaf, dumb and blind. They might have been right about the dumb part, but i can still see and hear : )

I learned how to deal with this type of situation REAL fast. I would simply tell them that if they kept their amp cranked up on stage, i would simply turn them down through the PA. I'd casually add that the guitar might sound good to the people standing in front of the "stack", but i would make sure that nobody else could here their guitar anywhere else in the club.

THAT got their attention REAL fast : ) Sean
Once upon a time...
...gently holding the edges of an LP in the open palms of both hands I put it under running hot water to wash some crud off it. As I swirled it around thoroughly all of a sudden it folded almost completely in half! Following a sudden glimpse of mortality I flipped it back into its original shape. It remains prefectly flat to this day,
30 years later.

...I had this thing against knobs so I ran out and got a brand new SAE P102 preamp that had flat microprocessor
controlled front panel switches. I got it home, hooked it up, and then somehow or other I touched it with a stainless steel dinner fork, completely wiping out the programming. The home appliance store exchanged it for a new one with no questions asked. Almost 20 years later my ex-wife continues to enjoy it.

...after I got my first real job and the paycheck to go with it, I had a habit of celebrating my good fortune by getting way drunk on the weekends. One night, following my safe arrival back at the apartment, I slapped an LP onto my rig which was deftly positioned out of harms way in a corner of the living room. Before the first cut was over I passed out on the sofa. The next morning I awoke to find a good-sized puddle of hmmm... water? under my power amp. Didn't seem to do it any harm at the time and most of the rust on the chassis did come off with car wax years later... just before I sold to the lucky new owner.
Sean, you were too nice. I just walked on stage & turned it down for them. If they turned it back up I would indeed turn them off at the board.

a heavy metal guitar player comes home to his girlfrend after performance heavily intoxicated with drugs and alcohol and feeling real bad.
his girlfriend is trying to help him to become better offers:
--honey maybe you wish to listen to Iron Maiden?
--ohh, ohh, i still feel bad!
--or maybe i'll play you some Slayer?
--ohh, ohh, i still feel bad!
--or i can even play you some Sepulture if you wish?
--ohh, ohh, i still feel bad!
--a..ah! i'll play you some Ricky Martin may be you'll through up!?
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

Two bass players walked by a bar,

It could happen.
Driver: Most of the bands that i've worked with have been at their request. As such, they've come to trust my judgment and don't give me a hassle as they know i'm only there to do my job and make them sound the best that i can. However, there have been a few guys that took quite a while to get this idea through their thick skulls.

I chose the method that i did as i do not want a confrontation. Nor do i want to spoil what is supposed to be an enjoyable event for all involved. Giving / getting attitude never makes for smiling faces and "forcing the situation" would do just that. Dropping "subtle" hints can typically get the job done. I see your point though : )

Rockvirgo: That must have been a VERY thin record and some VERY hot water. YOW !!!

As to your comments about the "water", i hope that it was not what i think it was. Can you imagine the "jolt" that you would have gotten if the electricity would have followed the path of the "stream" backwards ??? YOW again.... Sean
Audioak, now THAT was a good one and i can relate : ) I think that bass players tend to party the hardest as they get far less recognition than the singer, guitarist(s) and the drummer. Maybe that's why i don't remember much from the age of about 21 to 28 or so : ) Sean
This Christmas, Mom decided to give me a couple of albums on compact disc. Not knowing my taste in music, she went down to the local record store and tried to buy some "blank CDs." According to her, the sales clerk "wasn't very helpful."

Also Enjoy These!!



This one is not "audio related" but I'll tell it anyway. True story. In my bodybuilding days I sugggested to my sister she could give me a set of bodybuilders' gloves for Xmas. They[of course]have the fingertips open and let you grip nicely. When I pointed out a pair to her, she replied, "I'm not paying that much for a pair of gloves with no fingers in them." I ended up buying them myself.....they are also great for holding " a cold one" Cheers, everyone.
Musicain jokes; how can you tell the drummer is knocking at the door?.....it keeps getting faster. Why does the guitar player always knock at the door?....can never find the right key.
Sorry i'm at a loss for audiophile jokes.
A young violinist from rio
was seducing a girl named Cleo
as she took off her panties
she said: "No andantes
I want this allegro con brio"
Almost the same as the hot water story I had a MFSL Abby Road that didn't sound up to par so I held it up to a halogin ? light to inspect.In less than a min. it had warped.Tried to fix it but never could.
Audioak...good one, yours too Marakanetz
Audiobob...I hope you have another copy, it sure is one of my favourite Beatles lp's. Did you read the thread from a few days ago about the "vinyl sandwich"? Oh yeah! Use two pieces of glass to sandwich the lp, set oven at 300, and that's all I remember. Try that if you still have the record.
.........It's stupidity confession time.

Last fall I bought a new .45 Auto (pistol, not record), and to help breakin the trigger, I thought I'd dry fire it while I was listening to music. Well, I racked the slide, pointed the gun toward the floor and pulled the trigger. BOOM. The ROOM HAD JUST EXPLODED. The 230 grain FMJ slug just missed my Levinson 360S DAC, went through a small wooden CD holder that had 14 of my favorite CDs in it-- totally trashed all my Enya, Enigma, some Loreena McKennitt, and Walela CDs (about $210. worth) and came to rest in front of my left Vandersteen 5 speaker. My ears rang for hours afterward. I was home alone-- my wife would have freaked!!!

In 40-45 years of gun use, that's my second AD (accidental discharge), and indoors, it's ingrained habit with me to point guns down when pulling the trigger. My local dealer was amazed when I told him why I needed the CDs I requested, as he knew I had them, but was finally happy to sell me new ones.

I can say with confidence that a .45 FMJ slug will penetrate 14-- possibly 15, CDs in jewel cases-- consider this a "review". I'm just damned glad I wasn't using a .44 Mag. Whew! Well, that's off my chest in audioland. Cheers??? Craig
1)Q: How do you get a musician off of your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.

2) Did you hear that Joe finally died after a long ilness?
Really, what did he have?
Martin Logan, Krell, Audio Research.

WOW !!! No offense to Craig, but i think that he wins the "horror story" part of this thread hands down.

Honestly though, since you confessed that much to us, you can go all the way and finish the story i.e. did you have to change your underwear after that one ? : )

As a side note to Craig, maybe you should put those CD's and the wooden CD case for sale on ebay. You could say something like "sold as is, no guarantee as i think that these CD's are "shot" : ) Sean
A bass player was, as always, broke. Wishing for a cheap vacation, he saw an enticing ad in the travel section of the Sunday New York Times:

"Mississippi Riverboat Cruises! Four relaxing days, three nights on the Big Muddy. Special fare for bass players - $1.99! Bring your bass to claim reduced rate."

Excited, he grabbed his acoustic bass and headed to the dock. At the ticket window, he proudly displayed his bass:

"I'm here to inquire about the $1.99 cruise for bass players," he announced.

"Is that there your bass, sir?

"You bet. The very best."

"No problem, then, arranging your cruise. That'll be $1.99 . . . "

As the bass player plopped two bucks on the counter, a blunt object smacked the back of his head. The stunned musical vacationer fell to the ground. Waking hours later, he found himself tied to the bass and floating lazily down the Mississippi. His head ached. Unable to free himself, he floated calmly on. After awhile, he saw beauty in the passing riverscape: idling sloops, tall trees, fishermen on the shoreline, herons startled from the shallows . . .

Our bass player-on-vacation snoozed a bit as he scooted silently with the big river's surge. When he awoke, he spotted another man, floating nearby, tied to a bass. Since he was weak and somewhat thirsty, he called over:

"Hey, man. Do they serve food or drinks on this cruise?"

The other replied, cheerfully, "They didn't last year."
I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause
and remember what life is all about. There was a great loss recently.

Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey", died at the age of 83.

It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and....well, you know the rest.
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said,

"Hey! We need to get back!"

No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
A traveler is shipwrecked and swims to a seemingly tranquil, tropical island. Soon after recovering he notices an incessant drumming resounding from the other side of the island. And it doesn't ever stop or slow down.

Finding a native later that day, our traveler politely asks, "When do the drums stop?"

The native countenance immediately reflects a very fearful response, and insists, "Drums not stop!!" and runs away.

This goes on for another full day. Our hero finds another native and asks the same question. "Drums NOT stop!!" is his only answer.

After three days of constant drumming, he finds an old native and in exasperation asks, "What happens if the drums stop???"

The old native shakes his head sadly and replies, "bass solo."
From Kellys, a now closed stereo and music store in downtown Halifax comes these two true stories. Two young girls were browzing the record bins when one exclaims, "Oh look, Paul McCartney was with another group before Wings". And what was this guy smoking when he came in the store and went throught the Jimi Hendrix records and complained to an employee that Jimi hadn't any new records. "He's deceased," was the reply. "Okay," the stranger said," but he hasn't released anything new."....... That reminds me, I have a MCA vinyl copy, "Are You Experienced?" from 1997 never played.....Well, I'll try that today. Spin them black discs....don't need upsamping for this....
What's with all those rabbits showing up in Listener magazine?
Much like Jimi, Listener is "deceased". You don't have to worry about any more rabbits or issues showing up... Sean
So I should stay away from rabbits?
An audiophile walks in to a strip club, and stares at the cones. ba-da-bump
OK, I'm out of audio jokes so here are some really bad puns.

1 . Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but, when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" one asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their grocery payments, so they opened up small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath This made him ... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to Audiogon, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
True story:
An enamoured audiophile led the adored one into his music room, to beguile her with some music, he had carefully selected before. The lady looked around and and accusingly said: "This room is full of electro-smog. I'll not sit here for a second". He was a man of consequence . He called her a taxi and never saw her again.

P.S. Albert, wrong! 1, 3,5,6 and 8 did. So there you are.
How do you make a small fortune in the audio business??

Start with a large one....

(I'm glad people can't throw things at you online) :>)

Your a riot! No pun in ten did? Laughed so hard part of 1968 came out. Sean, CD's shot... funny!

Jest the Facts

to BAT or not to BAT that is the question!
...announced as the world's funniest joke:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: ’Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?’
How about the polar bear cub who says to his mom, are you sure I'm a polar bear?
She says of course you are.
A little while later he says, you are sure aren't you?
She says of course your a polar bear.
Again, a short time later he asks her if she is positive and she says of course I'm absolutely positive your a polar bear, whats put these thoughts into your head?
He says, But mom, I'm f**king cold.
This joke is somehow related to many our audio problems!

A jew comes to see a Rabbi and complains
--Rabbi, what should I do? My chicken are dying one by one everytime!
Rabbi seeks the answer in talmud and replies:
--Try to wash them all in ocean water.
So Jew appreciated rabbi, went home and washed chicken with ocean water. After a couple of days he comes back to rabbi with the same problem:
--I washed off my chicken with ocean water but they're still dying!
Rabbi seeks the answer in talmud and replies:
--Try to feed them with the fresh radish.
So Jew appreciated rabbi, went home and fed his chicken with the fresh radish. After a couple of days he comes back to rabbi...:
--Rabbi, my chicken are all dead!
--Oh, I'm so sorry but I still have so many great ideas!
A little boy asked his Grandfather, "Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?". His Grandfather said, "No,Sonny, I can't. Why do you ask?" The little boy replied, "Because Grandma said when you croak we're all going to Hawaii".
A SILENT JOKE(no audio video only!)

A man and his wife are having a silent break(probably due to the expencive stereo acquired)and communicate only through written notes.

Once man writes a note to his wife:

Please wake me up at 5am. I've got to catch the plain to Europe tomorrow. Good Night!

Next morning the man gets up at 9am frustrated that he actually missed his flight and finds under his pillow the following note:

Good Morning Darling!
It's already 5am
Please, wake up!

Two electicians are fixing the power line climbed on the electric columns and see the near-by old lady is passing-by.

One of the guys sais:

Mam, would you please help us to pick up that wire on the ground?
And the lady helped and gave this wire to one of the electrician.

After that the electrician replies:

I told you, this was a zero wire!



A blondie cannot start her malfunctioned Mercedes 500.
Another blondie comes by in her Jaguar and trying to help her friend to start Mercedes:
--Did you wipe your headlights and tail lights?
--Are they shiny?
--Did you wipe your dashboard and seats?
--Are they shiny?
--Did you wipe your rims
--I regret, but I can't help you than :=(
If this is incorrectly quoted, please excuse. Q: How many audiophiles does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One to change the bulb, and thirty-three and a third more to praise the merits of candles.
Q: What did one deadhead at the Grateful Dead concert say to the other deadhead after they ran out of drugs?
A: "Dude, this music sucks!"
Q: Suppose Hogwood, Banenboim, and Sawallisch were all taveling on the same airplane, and it crashed in the ocean. Who would be saved?
A: Mozart
Riddle: How will you see Iraq after war?

--Three parts Regular, Plus and Premium.
how many audio enthusiasts does it take to screw in a light bulb. Only one but he will first want to take it for a home demo before committing to using buying it.
Two shrinks meet in the street. Says the one to the other:
"Hallo Dr. Jones, you're fine! How am I ?? "
(Could also be applied to two audiophiles, having listened to each other's systems......)
Why only a few percent of woman hog to audio-HEAVEN?
Because otherwise it would be audio-HELL:-)